When I was 12 years old, just about to leave primary school, we had a farewell session with the most feared discipline teacher, Mrs Michael. Even though I was leaving to embark on my big girl secondary school journey, I was still afraid of her. Mrs Michael got us to sit in a circle and said to us, “Girls, learn to love yourself first, only then will someone else be able to.”

I was too young to understand what she said at that time. It took me a good 15 years to understand and appreciate this golden nugget.

When we look up self-love, there are plenty of tips about taking time for yourself, going for a spa day, getting a massage, getting a pedicure, etc.

I take self-love to mean having self-confidence, and fully accepting yourself with all your beautiful flaws. It is about being kind to yourself, understanding your emotions whether you are happy or sad, accepting all aspects of you – and knowing there is still so much more to unravel.

We are our own worst critics. Not exercising for a week, doing badly in exams, eating too many cakes, and we start berating ourselves. We tend to replay the negativity more than the positive experiences we have had.

To make matters worse, we have plenty of social media examples that show the perfect lives of others. The critical voice and self-doubt worsens.

Scrolling through feeds that only show the curated highlights of some people’s lives makes us feel like we are missing out. The strange thing is that we don’t know what we are missing, or think that we are missing, until it pops up on our social media feed. The reality is that we really aren’t missing out on anything. And we know this.

There is a saying the most beautiful thing a woman can wear is her self-confidence. If you are one of those who are born with self-confidence then kudos to you. It took me time to become comfortable in my skin and be accepting of myself, gaining confidence, understanding what I can offer.

Confidence through competence

When you practise something, you become better at it. Honing your skills makes you more confident about them.

As a young engineer, I started out very unsure of myself. I made sure I improved my knowledge through practice, courses, reading and asking questions. With the gaining of knowledge, and improving myself and work, I became more confident. You gain confidence because you are aware and ready to showcase your capability.

Confidence through conversations

I have always talked a lot. But some of the conversations to myself were laced with negativity. We may not realise, but our inner voice often makes us doubt ourselves. Do they like me? Am I working hard enough? I can’t do this.

It is vital that we don’t let these negative thoughts take over and cripple us. One of the ways I addressed this was by having conversations with people who love and support me. This could be your friends, mentor, family or personal coach, people with whom you can be completely honest with when you are feeling low.

If you wouldn’t stand for anyone being highly critical of you, and you wouldn’t say negative things to your friend or a child, why let this voice do the same to your own self?

With age comes maturity, and it should also bring self-acceptance and self-love. Many of us suffer from feelings of not being good enough, but yet we keep pushing on.

It will be tougher to handle all that is happening around us if you spend most of your time and energy disliking yourself. To really thrive, we need to be powered by self-love – every day of the year.

So remember to love yourself, only then will someone else be able to.

-- BERNAMA

Raehveni Nadaraja is a trained engineer with KBR, a global provider of comprehensive solutions to Government and Energy Sectors. In her role, she manages projects and builds key relationship with stakeholders.